weep·ing [wee-ping] adjective
I am a woman of empathy, I often wear myself out by bearing the emotions of the people around me. One way I express myself is through tears, I would shoot to say I cry quite often. I hadn’t always been like this, not until I was engulfed in deeply rooted issues that tugged at my heart. I learned the reality of social injustice and how it affects our world. Sob fests occur more so on the missions field, when I am faced daily with situations / circumstances that break my heart.
That hasn’t been the case with Thailand, I’ve only shed tears a time or two, first when I found out my dad’s health wasn’t doing well and second, when I found out he had a brain tumor. It was a lot to handle my first few weeks on the field.
Monday snuck up on me as usual and I found myself extra exhausted. Was it from my lack of sleep or lack of expressing my true emotions? I wasn’t sure but there was work to be done despite my lack of energy. After a very freeing conversation with the team, it was time for worship. I just laid down on the floor, not singing, not saying much of anything to God accept, ‘why?’.
Why is my dad sick when I’m on the other side of the world? Why do you trust me with so much responsibility? Why do I have to be torn away from people as soon as we get close? Why does community have to be so hard?
As soon as the questions left my brain, I had the answers. “I’m taking care of your dad, he was mine first. You wanted to be more intimate with me, this is how I’m taking you there. Stop trying to figure things out, just lean on me, seek me for understanding. Sacrifice for the kingdom is always worth it, even when it hurts. Community is hard because it means life isn’t about you. You love others enough to put them first.”
I needed to hear all of those answers even if I didn’t want to. Immediately after, I said “Papa, I just need a physical touch. I just need to feel that I am loved.” Gloriel came and put her hand on my shoulder, which turned into a slightly awkward, but much needed embrace. I started sobbing. No, I started weeping. About nothing and about everything, any emotion I was currently feeling was now being poured out in tears and snot. This lasted quite a long time and she just kept holding me and speaking truth. Wow, it was ugly but it was good and I felt so loved.
John 11:35- Jesus wept. It gives me relief knowing that the Son of God physically expressed sorrow through tears.
Naturally, I’d like to tell you that I had some crazy revelation and life is all rainbows and butterflies, but it’s not. The night after sobfest 2012, I found out my dad’s health wasn’t getting any better, but good news- God is still in control. I urge you to put all of your worries in Him and trust that His will is so much better than ours.
I challenge you to partner with me, and many others as we fight for my dad in prayer, trusting in God’s healing power.
