No Longer Resisting

It all started at training camp.

Well, really before then.

I have struggled with shame for nearly my entire life.

There are times when my brain keeps me up at night going over every mistake I made that day, and then each mistake of my lifetime. That usually lands me in tears and wishing for someone to hold me, but I'm too ashamed to ask, so I cry alone.

The thought of letting someone else in terrifies me; I think I'm too broken to allow anyone to get close.

This shame has affected my self worth as well. The other day Taylor was talking to Lyndie and me, and she said that she loved us both. My immediate thought was, "She is just saying that because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings; she doesn't really love me, only Lyndie."

I don't find myself worthy to be loved.

Worthy to be wanted. I'm not worthy, but everyone else definitely is.

These lies cloud my thinking a lot of the time, and Jesus is fighting to change that.
 
 Back to training camp.

Thursday of that week we did an activity with logs. Each of us took a piece of paper and wrote down things we wanted to let go of, mine was shame, and we tied it to the log. After that we took the log and walked down a nature trail for maybe thirty minutes.

I really struggled with this activity and couldn't focus.

Defeated would be a good word to describe how I felt afterwards, because I thought I had failed.

That night I didn't hear from God.

The next day, we were worshipping together, all the teams and leaders, and someone I didn't know came up to me.

She had a word for me.

"You are a daughter of the King and you are LOVED. There is no shame in you because Jesus took it all."

Later that day, Sara came up to me and said she needed to tell me something.

"You are a daughter of the King, and you have worth."

Y'all. 

I didn't tell anyone what I wrote down on that log. 

I didn't tell anyone what happened earlier that day. 

I haven't told anyone what happened that day.

(so, hi team, this happened)

 In the busyness of airplane rides and ministry stuff, I forgot about it. Completely. 

Oh, and during worship one night at camp, 

in the middle of a song, 

Jesus said it again. 

 Through one of the musicians. 

Three times.  

Three different people. 

He told me three times, and I forgot. 

So he's been trying to teach me this for a while now.

I'm reminded of this because Sara and Chaney gave everyone on our team letters the other night. 

And again, Jesus reminded me of my worth. 

That I am loved.

So I've made a decision to press into what he has told me over and over again. 

We have a month left, and I want this last month to be filled with his truth. 

His love. 

Not that these last two months haven't been filled with Him. 

I'm just not resisting anymore.