let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me…
I fell in love with that song the moment I heard it at training camp about a month ago. I felt that it expressed everything I wanted to say to God in one 8 minute 56 second song and it quickly became my sincere prayer.
However as fantastic as it sounded to have God whisk me away to some beautiful place where I could trust Him completely, I quickly realized that it was easier said than done. God was fully capable, to be sure. But this request, no matter how sincere, is still a two way street, with a heck of a lot of potholes on my side.
As we began to dive into ministry here in Chiang Mai, I found that I was easily stressed every time we left for any one of our outreaches. I began to question why I was even here in the first place. You see, most of what we do here depends on relationship building, which is something I have always struggled with.
I’m far from being an extrovert, and just the thought of talking to strangers terrifies me, yet this has become somewhat of the main focus of my three months here in Thailand. Throw in the language barrier, some loud music, alcohol and the occasional time limit, and you can pretty much imagine how my first night of bar ministry went. By the end of the first week I was completely drained.
The next week I got up early to go prayer walking with my partner before doing bar ministry that night. The entire walk to the red light district I was stressing over where I was going to go that night, who I was going to talk to and what I was going to say. By the time we actually got there I was already a mess.
As we began to walk the streets, the words “call me papa” began to float around in my head. This made me suuuuuper uncomfortable. I had never even called my own dad “papa” and quite frankly, the word creeps me out, although I have no idea why. I continued to walk down the street, but the more I stressed myself out, the more insistent the words became. Finally I gave in and whispered ” Okay, what do you want to do today papa?”
Most. Awkward. Moment. Ever. But as soon as those words left my lips, I felt so much lighter.
I realized that I didn’t have to DO anything, my papa already had it taken care of. Like a toddler trying to make her own mac and cheese all I did was burn myself while making a huge mess in the process, when all I needed to do was ask for my fathers help.
That night, bar ministry was so much easier, conversation came naturally as I played connect four and laughed with the girls in the bars. All I had to do was hold my papa’s hand and listen for his voice.
Over the past month God has lead me to places I never would have ventured on my own. He has had me teaching english (which I had sworn would be the last thing I would ever do during my time here) and enjoying it. I now speak to strangers on a regular basis (although it still terrifies me) and he has been teaching me how to build meaningful relationships, little by little.
I still fight him at every corner and insist on doing things in my own strength on a daily basis. Why? Because I am a stubborn, rebellious little girl who all to often forgets that the world does not revolve around her. But luckily, I have a loving and patient father who sees right through to the ugliest parts of me and still loves me all the same.
