Conversation With Abba

This is a conversation with Abba Father. His words are bolded. 

Alright, I’m going to be real with you Jesus. As you know, I have a lot of flesh still attached to me. You’ve called me to love deeper and to walk higher, but I am constantly falling low. And when I fall it’s hard for me to get up and just brush off the dirt.

In this season of my life I’ve found awesome people who I call friends and I adore them very much. But it’s easy for me to watch from the outside while they all love each other well. And in those moments I hear, “You’re not worth that love. You’re always going to be the reject, never first picked. You’ll never be the favorite.” 

I say these things out loud now Jesus and I hear how incredibly selfish I sound. I know that I am truly well liked by people and yet that isn’t enough. It never satisfies my soul. 

“Well good because only the Great I AM can truly satisfy. Brenan, I know you have a deep, deep desire to know and to be known. Well I tell you now, I know you. How can I not be enough for you?”

Father, I know you word says that you satisfy the hungriest of souls. I’ve even experienced the fullness of your great love. Why am I so prone to abandon those thoughts in the presence of others? 

“You are still young, daughter, in your faith. So young. As you grow, your roots in me will deepen and when the storm does come you will be able to stand firm in who I say you are. Do you remember the picture that I gave you at training camp for your friend?”

Yes, Lord, I do remember.

“Well, that was for you too.Trees grow when they are satisfied. Sometimes the ground dries up and the tree doesn’t grow, but does not die. I always bring the rain to satisfy the tree.”

But when I’m dry, how do I remember that you will bring the rain. Sometimes in the dry season it’s hard to be sure that I will be quenched. 

“Do I not give feed to the birds? Do I not clothe the fields in beauty? Have I not worked everything for your good?”

Yes Lord, you have treated me very well. Even now, in my questioning you are bringing understanding and peace. But one other thing that’s been on my heart… How can you favor me, choose me first and still love everyone else the exact same way? It doesn’t help with feeling rejection.

*Thoughts begin filling my head*

I think I’m really afraid to know this answer. I keep filling my mind so that it’s not quite. So that I don’t  hear your voice. Father, if this is for my ears to hear please calm my mind, even if I am afraid.

“Why do you care what I do for them? If I say that I love you, then I really love you. ‘Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side.’ My love, stop doubting and believe. Stop doubting that I love you. I died for you. I care about you.”

“‘If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is it to you? YOU must follow me.’ Peter was concerned with John’s way of life, but I called him out in love. I said to him, ‘What is he to you? I made John to be John and I will love John the way he needs to be loved. I have made you to be Peter and I will love you, Peter, the way that you need to be loved.’” 

“Brenan, I have made you to be you. I promise to love you the way that you need to be loved. I just need you to follow me.”

*I’m weeping now*

Oh Lord, you are so satisfying! Lord you are always right and fair and perfect in your ways. Thank you for going after me and catching hold of my heart. I  just need to take more time to listen to the truth of your voice. When I do, I am reminded that you are the only one that can quench my deepest thirst. Thank you Father for hearing me and answering me. 

“I will bow down toward your holy temple and will praise your name 

for you unfailing love and your faithfulness, for you have so exalted

your solemn decree that it surpass your fame. When I called, you 

answered me; you greatly emboldened me.” 

-Pslam 138:2-3