God is full of surprises. When I signed up for this trip, I thought that as soon as I went to the bars in the red light district my team and I would see women freed from their captivity.
Its been over a week since my team and I have arrived in Thailand and to be quite honest its felt like we haven't been doing too much. I am thankful that God has a much bigger vision then I do. I came to Thailand to see God set the captives free and it turns out that He also wants to free me of things that have held me in captivity.
For awhile, I didnt feel like people really understood how I felt inside and felt like I couldn't be safe around many people. I had believed the lie that people would reject how I felt and that they would hurt me.
Since my arrival in Thailand the Lord has been breaking through a lot of areas in my life that I had been praying for freedom in. One of these areas is the feeling of rejection from everyone, including God. For the past couple of months, I had walked through a season where I felt alone and rejected by people, which would seem odd since I have been blessed with a great church family where I attend college.
It took some constructive "feedback" for God to open my eyes. For those who aren't familiar with adventures mission trips, they do something called "feedback" where you have an opportunity to encourage teammates and to share things that one has noticed about another teammate that could be an area God might want to work on. Let me be real with y'all. When they first explained constructive feedback it freaked me out.
Well, the time finally came, and one of my teammates gave me feedback. At first, I was really hurt by the feedback I was given. It took me a couple of days to process what my teammate was actually trying to communicate to me without believing that she was condemning who I was. When I first received the feedback, I thought that I was being real with my teammates and trying to be vulnerable with them. Afterwards, I felt unsafe to be myself around my team and her. I felt condemned for trying to be vulnerable around her and my team and didn't know what kind of person she thought I was.
I was really struggling and felt very alone.
BUT thank the Lord for wise team leaders and His Holy Spirit. During the time I received feedback, God was beginning to show me the lies I have been believing about my identity, His affections towards me, and who I was as a person. God began to show me through others that I had been living my life from a place of insecurity. For the longest time, I always made being accepted by others a priority in my life and didn't realize that alot of that stemmed from my childhood.
So short story short, I talked with some of my leaders and they helped me identify what was the root of what I was feeling. Having this time to discern the feedback I was given helped me to see what my teammate was trying to say and not allow the devil to twist her words, which he was already starting to do.
I came to Thailand to partner with Jesus to set the captives free, but He wanted to free me before He can use me to free others. I am so thankful that He loves me enough to point out the areas of my life that have been holding me back. Although my time in Thailand has not been easy (and cold), I can see why God brought me here and seeing how the past couple of months have played a role in His great plan.
