I can see myself as a little girl, just barely out of my toddler years. I’m in my bedroom lining up all my stuffed toys, glass dolls, and Polly pockets to attend my wedding ceremony!
“Do you take this man to be your husband?” A ratty, polar bear with a backwards red cap stood in for my husband.
“Yes!” I said exuberantly.
“I now pronounce you man and wife!” were the words that even as a little girl I longed for!
I had a strong desire to be married as a child and I carried that desire into my teenage years as well. I always considered myself a “serious dater”, i.e. “I’m dating for marriage”. Even in sixth grade, I would consider each crush as “husband material”. This standard held strong in my first serious relationship when I was 15 years old. In fact, I remember the moment when I went from it being a simple desire of my heart to get married, to a full out idol of my heart. I remember holding this guy during an extended hug and God spoke to me, “Autumn, what are you doing? You only have enough room in your heart for Me or this boy, you cannot have both. What do you choose?” I hesitated for a moment, dwelled on the fact that this boy in my arms was tangible and present and bluntly I said, “him.” This began the long process of wandering from the Lord. For 5 ½ years my heart was devoted to this guy. These years were filled with so much hardship, fights, and brokenness. Yet, I took so much pride in this relationship. I gave myself pep talks all the time, “five years, look at how committed I am? Yeah, it’s hard and a huge struggle… and it will probably be like that for the rest of my life, but okay, that’s marriage right?” I just kept holding on this idea that marriage is what you do in life and this was who I was with. At this point in my life marriage was not a blessing in my site, it was not satisfying, it was not joyful, it was not something I was looking forward to any more.
Although, I had wandered from the Lord and filled my heart completely with this guy, the Lord never stopped pursuing me. God had given me countless opportunities to escape this relationship and run back into the arms of my Savior, but it was a choice I never had the courage to make. God doesn’t ever make you do anything, he leads you on gently and lovingly, but he never, ever decides for you. I could never muster the courage because I thought that if I walked away from this guy, no one would love him… or love me for who I was and what I had done. Then out of nowhere, this guy broke up with me. I was devastated. I had given so much of myself; physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and now he says we’re done. I see now that he did it out of a love for me, but initially, I felt completely abandon and angry. I remember one of the most beautiful encounters I’ve ever had with God, I sat on the floor sobbing in my mother’s arms and my little sister comes up and puts her arms around me. It was in her physical touch that God spoke to me once again, “Autumn, you are so loved! I love you, your family loves you. I’ve taken this guy from your heart and it’s empty now, I want you to fill it up with Me.” I took a sharp inspire of air and through my tears I said, “Yes Lord, fill my heart!”
I spent an intimate year of being single to this world by being in a relationship with the Lord. God has since taken me on a journey of completely reshaping my view on marriage, on love, on worthiness, on forgiveness, on redemption, and how commitment is only held together by God. I would journal love notes to God and ask him about my future husband. God put very strict standards on my heart for my future husband. 1. He must love the Lord first, then me, then himself 2. He must be a godly and worthy man to be responsible and take care of my heart 3. He must know God’s love for himself so he could demonstrate God’s love to me. One year after giving my heart to the Lord, a man named Daniel walked into my life. He was the answer to so many prayers and desires that God had put onto my heart. A true testimony of God’s love and plan for me.
I would say the greatest challenge that I initially faced while I was here in Thailand was how to have a godly relationship with Daniel and still keep God as number one in my heart. It baffled me. I’m so in love with Daniel! He’s my best friend and companioned. Despite being in a godly relationship with Daniel, I still had a foothold of marriage in my heart that the enemy was constantly capitalizing on and telling lies into. I battled with my heart the first month I was here. I was constantly being challenged by God asking me who was number one in my heart? “You, Lord!”… Then I would get a text from Daniel and I was right back to swooning over this amazing guy. I felt like Simon Peter, who so confidently said he’d lay his life down for Christ, just to deny Him 3 times. I hated this roller coaster of emotions I was on. God’s gentle and pursing spirit didn’t give up on me. God crushed that foothold when he showed me that I needed to sacrifice Daniel if I wanted to be completely satisfied in God (Psalms 90:14), to be seen as beautiful & flawless by God (Song of Solomon 4:7), to love God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind (Matthew 22:37), how to be a godly women (Proverbs 31:10-31) and that I am Christ’s bride and I must let God make me ready for the wedding feast (Revelations 19:7). God is my spiritual husband, my perfect husband and Daniel will be my earthly husband someday, but never will he take the place of God in my heart.
All my life I have prepared myself to be this beautiful bride. Someday on this earth I will be a bride. I’ll walk down the aisle to join into a covenant between myself, my husband, and God, to be a reflection of God’s complete character. But ultimately, I want to live my life as Christ's bride, readying myself for the bridegroom. I am a bride to Christ. I’m his Beloved, whom he will marry. I don’t want to show up to this wedding frazzled and a mess. I want to show up to this wedding looking completely lovely and beautiful as Song of Solomon describes this bride in chapter 4.
I got this tattoo to symbolize my commitment to the Lord, to let him ready me for the wedding (Revelation 21:2). I want to live my life in constant preparation for this wedding day. We are all brides; we are all Christ’s beloved. We should all be preparing ourselves for the wedding feast!
