Seriously though guys, I am horrible.
It's funny how i thought that because i had been on 3 missions trips before, all about a week and a half long, that I thought I knew all there was to know about missions.
Don't drink the water, don't throw the toilet paper in the toilet, be careful of your hand motions, don't affirm the 'loud American' stereotype, be ready for plans to change 15 times a day, even if food looks and/or tastes nasty do not let whoever made it for you know that, etc….
I figured I needed to let everyone know that I had done this before, I knew how to do this, i was a well seasoned missionary.
Funny how God let that thinking last about, uh, a week. I'm going to be honest. I have no idea what I am doing.
But Jesus is showing me that this is exactly where He wants me.
God has been completely breaking down my version of 'missions' and 'ministry'. I've come to the realization (after crying countless days and not understanding why) that the reason i felt like I was epically failing at this whole 'missions' thing was because I was not seeing it the way Jesus see's it.
I see women who need out of prostitution; Jesus see's people who need to be loved where they are. I see college students who need to HEAR the gospel; Jesus see's people who need to SEE the gospel. I see me freeing the phyiscal captivity these women are caught in; Jesus see's the emotional chains that entangle the deepest parts of these women's souls' that only he can break.
If you can't tell by my frequent use of the words 'me' and 'I', in the flesh I am a selfish person. I want to see women come to Christ. I want to have crazy stories. I want to do epic things. But if i don't let Jesus lead me, if I don't do these things out of love, they are all done in vain.
1 Corinthians 16:14- "Do everything in love."
"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."
-Mama T.
I am learning that maybe I'm not as great at missions as I thought I was. Jesus is teaching me what it looks like to love people on a DAILY basis in NORMAL life settings, not just that kind of love that is easy to convey when you are living amongst the poorest of the poor.
I am learning that probably 90% of the time I do not love people like Jesus wants me to. I love people the way I want to so I can get the credit, and I can recieve what I want from the relationship. And this looks nothing like how Jesus loves people.
But thank goodness for grace! Jesus knows I am human, and He knows I am going to mess up a bajillion and one times, but He still DELIGHTS in using me. If that's not the greatest thing you've ever heard, I don't know what is.
So, I'm Hannah. I may look like I'm good at missions cause I wear ugly Columbia brand sandals, I have a Nalgene waterbottle and a headlamp, but I am horrible at missions. But guess what–I'm learning. Jesus is breaking me down in the sweetest way possible and I'm loving every second of it.
