Humility. Over last year I realized just how much I lacked that quality. But I know the power of prayer. Hence I never prayed that God would make me humble. I knew that if I prayed for humility God would deliver, and it would be painful. So I tried to fix my ego on my own.
As I sat on the balcony in the already hot morning, I lowered my head, gulped down my pride, and once more admitted that I was struggling to my team. It was one thing to be honest about my struggles when I was in a triumphant place, or at least a recovering place. It is another thing entirely to admit in the midst of the pit of brokenness that I was still struggling, that I was in the same place as last week. That I am not strong. You see, my ego took a huge fall when I realized that I wasn't "needed" here. There were "more spiritual" women on my team who were having so much more "success" than I was. I knew that God had called me here, but I felt useless and could not figure out why God had me here. I could not hear him and felt failure in ministry as well as leading my group.
Those lies are so crippling. The ones that Satan speaks over us: about Godourselves and others. I knew they were lies in my head, but my heart was doubting, and fumbling to feel otherwise. I was tired and weary of trying. God allowed me to become miserable enough, broken enough, that I turned to him in desperation. Perhaps that is the way it is: we must come to the end of ourselves to fully realize our need for a savior.
Scripture is the truth, and my family, team and friends spoke those truths over me. There was not an instant change, but as the words sunk in and took root in my heart, I was able to let go of control, and let God take control of my time here, my work, and myself. As I let go and trusted him, joy and peace abounded. James 5:1-5 says that the commandments of the Lord are not burdensome. True. I may not be able to produce "results," but I can love God: that is not a burden at all. I can also extend that love to others. These are His two top commandments for me.
The end of the story? I am not humble, but I am learning to be. I don’t love brokenness, but I find God in those places. I am not a "better" person, or even a good person. But my God is good, and is committed to completing the good work he started in me his child. Shows what I get for not praying in the first place.
Journal entry 7/1/11
