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Beyond the Storm

For the last few weeks I have been doing a bible study through the book of Job. Maybe you have heard of Job and his story of suffering. So let me take a minute to tell you of my own story.

Long story short, I have suffered. I do not say this out of self-pity. I just have no other word to describe my journey. I have had daily headaches (yes, every single day, nonstop) for eight years now. With this I was diagnosed with a disease called Fibromyalgia. Maybe you have seen commercials with old people saying something like, “I was living with pain, all over.” Yup, that’s me, 20 year-old on the outside, 80 something-year-old on the inside.

While over the course of these last eight years my physical state has suffered, it has been the mental battle between God and I that has been the most significant. I have pleaded, prayed, cried, begged God to end this suffering. Let me state, that through this I have remained well in spirit, happy. I have received love, prayers, and encouragement from family and friends. But beneath all this lied the ever-frustrating question: WHY?

Why me? Why did I deserve this? Why must I suffer? Why did you not just kill me? Why have you not healed me? Why have you ignored my prayers? Why have you turned from me?

Just typing these last few questions I hear how much I, like many of us, have sounded exactly like Job. While my suffering has not compared to Job’s I still can identify with his pain, as anyone who has experienced suffering of any kind can. Now, I do not know why it has taken me so long to read the book of Job, but I believe like everything God has His timing.

This afternoon I was reading Elihu’s response to Job and the word “beyond” kept grabbing my attention. And just like that it hit me.

Of course!

God is BEYOND. In wisdom. In power. In truth. In love.

My need to understand my suffering is beyond me, because He is beyond. All these insatiable questions that have plagued my mind for so long were not driven out of a desire to understand God and His purpose, but out of selfishness.

So I sat there, humbly before my Father and prayed to hear His purpose. In this moment, I was listening to “Oceans” by Hillsong while reading the story of Jesus calming the storm (Luke 8: 22-25).  I listened to the lyrics:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

 

And once more it hit me.

Control.

I am a control freak. I know what you are thinking, a woman, a control freak, no way?
But really, I try to control a lot in my life. My time, my emotions, my relationships, my future; the list could go on and on. My need to control I have realized, as it is for lots of women (and men), is due to a fear of vulnerability. I do not want or know how to trust others. So I control.

Let me tell you, God does not like when you try to tell Him you are in control. He will wreck you until you realize you are not. And that is exactly why I know He is putting me through this trial with my disease. He has taken my control over my body not because He wants to see me suffer or laugh at my pain. Rather He wants me to trust completely and fully in His will, even if I never fully understand it.

I wish I could say today I am healed of my disease, but I'm not. What I can say is I am learning to trust, not in my own abilities or knowledge but in my God who is beyond me.

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