Seasons tiptoe in and out of my life so stealthily sometimes- taking captives and leaving behind temporary refugees. Thousands of fingerprints blend into the walls of my aorta’s waiting room.
In this new season of uncertainty, I find myself pleading with gravity to release several of the grains of sand that have conceded to the bottom of my hour glass. I long to return to the realm of confidence; instead, I wake up startled, assuming that I overslept my alarm. Then I remember… there is no alarm. For the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan or a place to be. While others find freedom in the absence of obligation, this is where I find my arch nemesis- restlessness.
After a season of explicit ministry- four months of releasing God’s Kingdom into the darkest Spiritual battlefield that I’ve ever encountered, it’s difficult to define what should come next. There is truth in the alleged “Spiritual High” that comes from ministry overseas. Coming home is difficult. I miss the daily opportunities to go out and “do God’s work;” I miss eating corn flakes every morning, smiling at strangers every evening, and most of all, I miss my family…
“For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” –Romans 14:7-8
The above promise changed my life three years ago, and it’s changing my heart now. My battle is not over. I still have breath in my lungs as proof of my calling- to receive His extravagant love and to pour it back out… to be brave in the face of the unknown because I will always belong to the Lord. I do not live to myself, and I am not [on] my own.. in Thailand, in Virginia, even if I dwell by ‘the farthest oceans,’ my Maker will not abandon me (Psalm 139:8). He is the only constant in this world of tiptoeing seasons, and He knows me.
So here it is, the battle has just begun. I have returned to my home in the States, but I don’t want to be the same person that I was before this former season. God gives us seasons to release more and more of His Spirit within our hearts, and this Spirit does not back down in the face of familiarity. This is the hardest battle yet- carrying the Kingdom back to the places where I was comfortable, and fighting to retain the posture of humble surrender…remaining on my knees when the world says to stand up…allowing myself to submit to God rather than defining myself by what I think this world wants to see.
God has not stopped fighting for justice in His world, and He has not stopped pouring out His love and grace here, either. He doesn’t miss a thing; He doesn’t regret giving His son for us, and He knows why when I don’t understand. He is the constant in the temporary, and I belong to Him.
