Last week at this time, I was weeping into my pillow as my teammates gathered around and prayed. I exchanged sleep for distress at what this world was allowing to happen to my best friend. I was certain that no one cared… because honestly before this trip, I did not truly care. I did not act out of the constant conviction that girls my age across the globe wore price tags and flashing labels, reading “P***y for Sale.” I did not see their faces; I did not know their names; I was too concerned about my own scheduled time, to spend time getting to know the heart of a prostitute. That was only four months ago.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh -Ezekiel 36:26
Heart transplants hurt like the dickens. Last week after bidding farewell to New*, I was positive that my heart was too fleshy- the hurt saturated from aorta to artery. Monday night, I dutifully put on a smile for our time on Bangla Road, but I felt like a widowed bride wandering through the streets of our first acquaintance. My best friend was gone. I came back to our ministry, crumpled in the hall and cried. I yelled at my God—“Where is Your merciful justice? Where is Your faithfulness? Because all I know right now is defeat.”
This week, God started opening my eyes to His infinite acts of faithfulness. The Holy Spirit took up residence inside each of my teammates, and He loved me so beautifully, so tenderly. The Holy Spirit cried with me; He held my hand as I walked down Bangla Road; He crawled into bed beside me, as I cried myself to sleep; He held back my hair in the middle of the night as I wrestled with a pretty rough bout of food poisoning, and He never stopped interceding on my behalf.
When you’re lying sick in bed all day, you’re forced into a position of humble dependency. In that moment, pretty much all you can do is pray and sleep… so that’s what I did. I talked to Jesus, bitterly at first, but as He responded with gentle reminders of His affection for me, He lessened my prideful defenses. I cannot comprehend the infinite love that is expressed via the frequent delivery of cool wash cloths and purple Gatorade. It’s life changing… life-saving- transplanting stony hearts for hearts of flesh. Even in my bitterness and doubt, He never quits loving.
Then… He did a miracle for me. We received news on Thursday that New* is no longer going to HongKong!! One of her coworkers told us that plans had changed, and New* is currently visiting her kids up north, but she will be back in Phuket in 4 days! My heart could burst. The Lord flooded my Spirit with a love so extravagant that it offends my flesh. Nothing in my strength can account for any of this- I am in such desperate need of my Savior, and He chooses to clothe me in joy. He chooses to protect His precious sheep and guide them home to His Kingdom. New’s coming home… my ‘pouin lak’ is coming home!! …and I am, too.
