I am stuggling to have faith. Its getting really difficult to see what God is doing and where He even is, it seems like everyday i get more discouraged. Trying to find Him in the little things isnt exactly working anymore and i feel like i am trapped somewhere that God cant reach me. This week has been one of the worst weeks of all of my life. Just struggling with things inside of my own heart and mind is tough. This week i struggled with just about everything you can think of- from self-pity, self-hatred, self-image, and just not wanting to get out of bed. Praying the same exact prayers everyday on the prayer walk and not feeling a change. Then on top of all that i still couldnt make a friend in the bars that wanted to hangout with me. Then we find out that our friend is being sent away to Hong Kong for a job that doesnt sound too safe for her.
The icing on the cake happened today on the beach. A crowd of people stood in a large circle and i ran to see what had happened only to find a thai man recieving CPR. His body was completely motionless. As I pushed through the crowd to lay my hands on his lifeless body i saw Autumn who lives here praying over him too so i knelt down next to her and grabbed his leg and began to plead with God to breath life into this man. It was the worst feeling to look at his empty face, to see the whites of his eyes firey red from his struggle… He had no pulse.
I am trying so desperately to have faith in God and his goodness! I desire to have complete 100% faith. I know that its all in His timing and I know that He is here. I know He loves me. I know that everyone wants to tell me that He has a plan for all of this and that everything is going to be ok. I know. i know. i know. i know all of these truths but right now its so hard to believe them. Right now i just want to be frustrated with God.
Right now i just need God to restore my faith because i literally have nothing left to offer anyone.
I have enough faith to trust my Lord to fill me up and thats it.
